Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
