Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize