I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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