is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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