I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Randomize
