I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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