why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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