the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize