Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I wear drunk well.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize