I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize