i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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