He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Randomize
