You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
