my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
