1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
