We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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