She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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