What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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