We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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