just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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