She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
