I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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