How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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