not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
