i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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