Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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