just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
