it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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