peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
