A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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