I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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