There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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