I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My ATM looks so different sober.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
