I faked an abortion last night.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
