can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
