I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
