I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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