you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
