Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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