I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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