Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
