im drinking this country out of the recession.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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