The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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