I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm both gender and math confused
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
