Umm I'm too high to move.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
