Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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