The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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