Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
