I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
