so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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