when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
