I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
