My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
