Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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