Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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