just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize