as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize