Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
