You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
