omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
