In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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