you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
