Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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