sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
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