Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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