See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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