Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Randomize